PARENTAL ADVISORY – This is mainly directed at my little sisters who may read this. You are too young. Turn away now!
And, here it is - the story behind “Super Pussy.” It can also be called the night I lost whatever innocence I had left. It started innocently enough… We began the night in search of some beer, and Dade being the great Dowsing Rod of all things gay, he lead us right into a street lined with men of all creeds. I didn’t notice until about a quarter of the way down the street that is was all men. Hundreds of them - lining the sidewalks at small café tables and all facing the street. Dade chose the 4Sports bar, the only bar with no patrons. We sat there, had some drinks and discussed what to do with the rest of the night.
We decided to stop at the Happy Happy Good Time Beer Bar and continue drinking. As we contemplated our fate, it was decided upon that a ping pong show was in order. Now normally it’s not something I would pay money to see, but when in Bangkok… I felt it was a necessary ritual that I had to see firsthand before leaving. I mean, the ping pong shows are legendary. I also told Dade that after experiencing the ping pong show, we’d head over to another one of the gay streets to experience the male version. Coincidentally, Dade thought he was starting to have a medical condition. “Great,” I thought to myself. See, last time he was out of the country he had a heart attack. This time, he couldn’t control his leg. Oh wait, his leg was stuck in a bungee cord attached to the table. Nevermind. Yep, let the excuses begin!
Then he became really nauseous. He got up and walked around, drank soda water – the usual fixes for nausea. Funny how a ping pong show is acceptable for me, but guys on stage throws him into a series of medical conditions. But I digress. After a few beers and a shot of whiskey we were off to Patpong in search of our Ping Pong extravaganza!
Well, upon entering the street it became clear the only real choice was “Super Pussy.” Besides, they touted that they were the only bar that gave a free look. So up the dark, seedy staircase we went. What happened inside still makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and cry for help.
They sat us at a table, and immediately the girls pounced upon us as if we were fresh meat. Perhaps they smelled the innocence, but they were all up in our business. I had three girls rubbing all over me. They were trying to get me to buy them drinks. I said no. One of the girls stopped massaging me and said, “I give you massage. You pay me.”
“No. I didn’t ask you for a massage and I told you to stop.”
“You pay me.”
“You go away. No.”
She stormed off and left me with the two… girls? Lady boys? Who knows! It didn’t matter either way as I couldn’t be less interested, or more repulsed. But they set upon me. “We give you show. Two of us. Sucky fucky. 200 baht.”
Now just so you know, 200 baht is about $5.71. That’s right, a 3 way sucky fucky for $5.71.
“No thanks, please go away.” What is Dade doing while I am being mauled by the sexually ambiguous? Laughing.
“Come on, OK. 100 baht. Sucky fucky. You come with us.”
“Still no. Please go away.”
“”Ayyyy, why you so stingy?!”
“I’m not stingy, I’m gay. And I’m not interested. So go away.”
“OK, you gay. We both give you show. We have sex and you watch. We gay too!”
“No, see gay means I am not interested in women. I certainly don’t want to watch the 2 of you have sex.”
“You so stingy and mean! Come on, we give you show.”
Well, this continued for another 10 minutes. The badgering. The incessant harassing. Then they came in for the deal of the century. “OK, we give you show. Her and I. Just you. Sucky fucky for 100 baht!”
Wow, all that for the low low price of $2.85…
“No, please go away. Still no. Not going to change.”
One grabbed my crotch while the other grabbed my nipples. “Don’t be so stingy!”
“OK, in my country no means NO and after that it’s rape. NO. Please go away. Gay, Not interested!”
“We get it. You MADAME. Sucky fucky 100 baht!”
I don’t think they got it. Finally one moped off and left me with the one who wouldn’t go away. She insisted I buy her drinks and have sex. “Still no. Not going to happen. Please go away.”
I turned to Dade to get help. Well, that was useless as he was laughing his ass off. PLEASE HELP.
“You should go talk to him. He’s at least straight,” I said and pointed Dade. She shook her head no. “How about if I pay you to go away?” I proposed.
Dade’s idea of help was to offer twice as much to stay. He then proceeded to tell her that I work in Hollywood making movies and I’m friends with Steven Spielberg. The massaging started again. “Please stop. Please go away. No means no!” Oh God. Why wouldn’t it end? And with that the “free” show ended. They handed me the bill. 2100 baht for 2 beers. That’s right, a Ladyboy/girl menagez-trois was only $2.85. But 2 beers and a cover for the saddest place on earth was $60. Only in Thailand.
Luckily for me the one who wouldn’t go away had a show to do so she ran off and took the stage. What miraculous talents! She inserted a straw into her hoo-ha and squatted over a birthday cake and proceeded to blow out the candles – one by one - complete with a disturbing rendition of “Happy Birthday to You.” However does one follow up such a display of talents? She laid on her back and proceeded to shoot darts out of her most special of places, popping balloons on the ceiling about 20 or so feet away. And I will admit, her aim was quite impressive. After dazzling the 6 or so people in the bar, she left the stage and headed towards the dressing room. She left behind a motley crew of women who looked like bad rejects from a Thai Lane Bryant casting call. That was my cue. We left the bar and flew down the stairs. I was not going through that argument again.
While there was more to the story, that’s the condensed version - the true version. And as you may have guessed, we didn’t go to check out the male version. Dade had a tummy ache…
Oh my word - I just laughed till I cried!
Posted by: Chantelle | January 05, 2012 at 08:18 PM
You funny man too!!
Posted by: Daphne Anthony | January 03, 2012 at 11:25 AM